Here’s an incredible piece of photographic evidence from the Mancathalon I recently competed in to honor the waning bachelorhood of my good friend Michael Hoffman. Who can honestly look at that squad of dapper gents without wishing he were in it?

Below is the text of the Mancathalog, written to document the awesomeness by the honored one.

Here is a short summary of the ten events that made up the Mancathlon. Times are necessarily approximate.

1. The Turkish and Russian Baths (3:15 pm)
In which the men were steamed, roasted, and shocked in an ice bath, and in which I was flogged with oak branches and otherwise abused by a man named Igor.

2. The Shave (5:15 pm)
In which the men had hair removed from their faces with a straight razor.

3. The Pork Bun (6 pm)
In which the men successfully carried out a precision tactical strike on Momofuku Noodle Bar.

4. Suiting Up (7 pm)
In which the men put on their fancy pants, sipped on Geuze, and ditched their cell phones.

5. The Feast (9 pm)
In which the men, joined at last by their final companion, were seated at a wood slab in the kitchen of Barbuto and consumed cured meats and olives, steamed mussels with bruschetta, rigatoni with veal ragu, gnocchi with fresh peas and mint, enormous scallops with corn, wood-fired chicken with salsa verde, hangar steak with radicchio, pork tenderloin with peaches, pluots and dandelion greens, chocolate pudding, and biscotti, and drank negronis, gimlets, and all manner of wines.

6. The River Walk (12 am)
In which the men were each given a task and a cigar.

7. The Bowery Grand (1 am)
In which the men evacuated their bowels, only to refill them with fine spirits.

8. Amsterdam Billiards (2:30 am)
In which the men shot pool and played ping-pong, only to find that the employees of the establishment were more inebriated than they.

9. Veselka (4 am)
In which the men refreshed themselves with Ukranian delights, networked, and got kissed.

10. The Staten Island Ferry (5: 30 am)
In which the men, accompanied by a cast of ruffians and jesters, crisscrossed the harbor at sunrise.